Calmness of Mind Comes from a Joyful Indifference to Most Things
Cultivating a calmer mind by reflecting on what doesn’t matter
Nurture a joyful indifference to external things.
The key to a calmer life is cultivating indifference to two kinds of things: (a) things outside your control and (b) things that shouldn’t matter, which is most things. These two things are often the same. So much of your inner turmoil has its roots in caring about things you shouldn’t — often precisely because those things are outside your control.
Pick wisely what you care about. Most things don’t matter.
Aim for a calm, cultivated indifference. What is wisdom if not a calmness of mind? Recognize that it will take time for you to get there, but set your sails towards it. Recognize also that the aim is not a lifeless uncaring apathy towards everything, but being fine regardless of the outcome. The aim is to be “good either way” — whether or not you get your preferred outcome.
My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it… but love it.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
This is not a new idea.
This is a timeless truth that finds new expression across the generations.
450 BCE — The Biblical Book of Ecclesiastes calls it “accepting your lot in life.”
2000+ years ago — The Stoics called this “indifference to indifferent things.”
1882 — Friedrich Nietzsche described amor fati as the formula for human greatness.
1963 — Charles Bukowski called his approach: “Don’t try.”
2016 — Mark Manson calls it “The Subtle Art.”
2020 — In the first line of this reflection, I called it a ‘joyful indifference’ to remind myself to enjoy the process of building towards a calmer mind.
The examined life:
One way to nurture this indifference to indifferent things is through periodic reflection. Pause. Reflect. Express. Journaling is a good way to do all three, with plenty of psychological benefits to boot. Reflect on the things that matter to you. Reflect on the things that shouldn’t. Pause and remember the things that have happened to you. Write it all down. Share it, if you are brave.
We have a cultural image of journaling as the domain of the teen girl, hormones raging and figuring themselves out. Even those who have figured themselves out the most are still figuring themselves out. Calm and clarity are cultivated daily. The personal journal of Marcus Aurelius, the hard-as-nails Stoic philosopher-king, became his most famous work: Meditations.
But building a habit out of reflection is hard. Prompts and formats help. On a site called The Moon Lists, I discovered a set of unexpected questions that can help you dig deep and have fun doing it.
The five questions I picked for my last reflection:
From their selection, these five questions seemed the most fun and useful to me. Mostly because they are the kinds of questions I have not reflected on in a while. Join me. You can pick any five from their list, or answer these five.
- Mystery — What happened that doesn’t have an explanation?
- Nostalgia — What was felt more deeply because it took you back to your past?
- Detail — James Salter wrote: “Life is weather, life is meals.” Describe a meaningful moment involving each in the last month.
- Adjust — What are you amid that is almost (but not quite) right? A draft, a relationship, an injury…what needs refinement and attention?
- Utility — When did you feel useful?
You can pick any set of questions from their list and try build a habit out of journaling. The original Moon List was written by a husband and wife team for their monthly reflections. I found their questions playful and useful for digging deep. Whichever questions you pick, the crucial thing is to pause and reflect.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
— Socrates
Meanwhile, I am going to try something different and transparent. I will share my actual responses to these — my journaling from Saturday — in the next reflection I publish.
Here’s a handy summary of what I am learning here:
The goal of wisdom is a calmness of mind. The road to a calm mind is a joyful indifference to most things. An examined life leads to knowing what matters to you and what should not matter to you. Pause. Reflect. And if you’re brave, share what you learn with others.
